From the Executive Director’s Heart

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Some Common Roots of Same-Sex Attractions – Part 2

In continuing with our theme about factors that may influence same-sex desires, we will now address 2) Sexual Abuse:  Certainly, not all people who have been abused are homosexual in preference, and not all homosexual men or lesbian women have been abused. There does however, seem to be a high correlation.  Canadian statistics confirm the widespread incidence of sexual abuse: over 40% of females, and about 25% of males, were victims of at least one unwanted sexual act before adulthood. Greater Hope, along with other American and International Exodus ministries find that nearly 70% of those seeking help have been sexually abused.  Sy Rogers notes, “there is data underscoring the view that some types of homosexuality are the result of problems in psychological development. Even though homosexuals may have differing backgrounds, many also have similar trends and patterns in their histories. For example, in Singapore, of my homosexually oriented clients in 1991, 83% of the men and almost 70% of the women reported being victims of sexual abuse or molest, before the age of 12.”

Defining Sexual Abuse

Though this won’t be an exhaustive treatment of this multi-faceted subject, we will begin with a basic definition from Dr. Dan Allender, author of  “The Wounded Heart.”  “Sexual abuse involves any contact or interaction whereby a vulnerable person (usually a child or adolescent) is used for the sexual stimulation of an older, stronger, or more influential person.” (Note: abuse in some instances can occur between peers.) He goes on to elaborate that “sexual abuse is much broader than forced, unforced, or simulated intercourse. It includes any touching, rubbing or patting that is meant to arouse sexual pleasure in the offender.” Though my personal experience with sexual abuse does not stem from the more common and extremely violating nature of my personhood, my own understanding has expanded over the years. For instance, I would include the following: (a) showing or making pornographic materials available for a child, to include sexually provocative scenes like showering, intercourse or various states of undressing/exposing ones genitals; (b) sexualized talk or suggestive words; (c) making fun of or ridiculing the child’s sexual development, preferences or organs; (d) an adult discussing with their child some sexual frustrations about their spouse; (e) or in any way breaching the innocent boundaries of his/her developing sexual, emotional, relational and psychological identity/development.

[Note: A complete list of suspected sexual abuse indicators are too extensive to address here. Our purpose is not to incite fear, but rather to inform and educate. Please contact us if you would like to further discuss this or other aspects of sexual abuse.]

Epidemic or Pandemic?

Just how extensive is sexual abuse? In addition to the above figures, this year alone over one million children and youth will be sexually abused (USA). One in four families are affected by child sexual abuse! The victims are found among every social, economic, racial and religious group in our nation. A pretty grim picture to say the least. But as helpful as they may be, statistics can be cold and impersonal, especially to a victim. A few lines from “Personal Revolution,” a song by Charlie Peacock, cogently describe this painful reality…“Some have known the cruel touch from a trusted man, It’s like pain and pleasure walking hand in hand, Like a clown in makeup laughing, You might never read their face, But buried in their soul is a dark and painful place; The mind must know what the soul can endure, And so it locks up tight in the face of what’s impure, The wounded heart must be gently understood, If it’s ever to reveal the incidents of childhood.”

Wide-Ranging Effects

Regarding the effects on victims, they are many. Children can suffer significant pain from even a single incident. They experience a wide range of negative symptoms, physical and emotional, and the consequences can plague victims into adulthood. In her book, “Safe Sanctuaries: Reducing the Risk of Child Abuse in the Church, Joy Thornberg Melton comments, “The personal violation of child sexual abuse causes the victim to experience many losses…including loss of childhood memories, healthy social contact, opportunity to learn, bodily integrity, trust, sexual maturity, self-determination, identity and self-esteem. All of these personal violations mean that victims of child sexual abuse lose the child’s right to be normal.”

Even more disheartening is the fact sexual abuse is as prevalent among the churched as the unchurched and often perpetuates itself. In many cases abusers themselves were actually victimized by parents and grandparents (Exodus 20:5). The biblical principle of reaping and sowing is a daunting reality here.

The Bible is not silent about this issue either. Incest and other sexual sins were rampant throughout the Scriptures. A very familiar incident occurred when one of David’s daughter’s, Tamar was violated by her half-brother, Amnon. Another brother Absalom later avenged the act by murdering Amnon. Sin begets sin! Likewise, Moses wrote in the 10 Commandments of God over 3,000 years ago; “You must never bow to an image or worship it in any way; for I, the Lord your God, am very possessive. I will not share your affection with any other god! And when I punish people for their sins, the punishment continues upon the children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren of those who hate me,” (Exodus 20:5).

Abuse: No Respecter of Persons

The damage of sexual abuse typically effects the development of same-sex attractions differently for men and women. There are many ways in which sexual abuse can be a contributing factor to homosexuality. For both men and women, homosexuality can be a way of trying to gain a sense of personhood -- and masculinity or femininity -- to make up for the destruction of the self from abuse. For example, abuse may have so beaten down a young girl that she has no sense of value as a person or of being a woman. She may look to other women to find what is missing, and often this emotional longing is sexualized during puberty.

Some Additional Dynamics for Men: 

Exposure to adult male sexuality: When a man abuses a young boy, he is exposed to adult sexuality at a time when he lacks emotional maturity and in a situation where he is given neither choice nor adequate information about what is happening. This can be very confusing. He learns that this is how men interact, that this is what it means to be a man. Because he is a participant, albeit unwillingly, he begins to question his gender identity. If the nature of the abuse is such that the boy receives some physical or sexual pleasure during it, the idea that he is gay is reinforced. 

Fusion of sexuality and intimacy: The early exposure to adult male sexuality can be further complicated if the boy has had little or no experience of a healthy interpersonal relationship with his father or another significant male. The abuse may then be the only form of closeness or attention he has had from a male.

Some Additional Dynamics for Women: 

Turning away from men: Some women will transfer their hatred and rejection of the man (or men) who sexually abused them, onto men in general. They want nothing to do with men, and instead turn to other women, who are safe and non-threatening. Some women may also experience a "fusion" of sexuality and intimacy (described above), but for them it is more likely to lead to heterosexual promiscuity than to homosexual desires. (please remove space below)

Turning against the feminine: A deeper dynamic is the rejection of the feminine. Women who have been abused may reject their own femininity at a subconscious level. In effect, they say to themselves, "If being a woman means being treated like this by men, then I don't want to be a woman." The result is similar to the destruction of the feminine (mentioned above in the second paragraph). A woman who rejects her own femininity may seek to regain it through emotional or sexual closeness to other women.

Healing    

Healing is a process, which, in light of the significant damage caused by abuse, happens over many years. At the same time, God is bigger than anything that happens to us, and it is in Him that we find healing. We need God to shine His light into the darkness to expose lies and replace them with His truth about us. The abuse tells me that I'm worthless and deserve to be treated like dirt. God tells me that I am of great worth and well loved by Him, and that none of those awful things should have happened. God affirms my true identity -- created by Him and well loved by Him. I need to believe that in my mind and let it touch my heart in all the deep places. Another person can never be my source of worth and identity, though he or she can affirm the worth I have in God and point me to Him. Healing requires facing pain in constructive ways, instead of acting out, drowning it out or turning to that which cannot meet our needs. Not remembering or not feeling the abuse can be a gift from God to protect a child from things too overwhelming. Once I am an adult, however, I don't need those defenses. I need to face the pain and deal with it. Though difficult, and the temptation to respond inappropriately may arise, I still must feel my powerlessness and let God cover me instead of trying to cover myself in false ways. Only God can truly meet our needs, and He holds us close in the midst of our pain and carries us through it. And too, He gives us our brothers and sisters in the body of Christ to listen, to care, to stand with us and to show us what a healthy relationship is.

Our Response:

Penny Freeman of HARVEST USA adds, “We (the Body of Christ) need to be a place for the abused to cry and worship..but most of all, abuse survivors need to be in a place where they will learn more about grace and mercy, because their greatest need in life is not healing from sexual abuse, but healing from the evil of sin and its effects in their lives. Healing from the sin of what was done to us if we have suffered abuse, but also forgiveness for the sin of what we have done to others and ourselves. This is the common ground for all, whether the trauma of sexual abuse has been a part of our history or not. We all stand in God’s presence needy of forgiveness for our stubborn commitment to living life on our terms and not His.” Jesus says, “Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.” Christ was totally exposed, humiliated and shamed during His sacrificial death on the cross. He can totally relate and “sympathize with our weaknesses. Let us therefore draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Due to abuse, intimacy with God may be a hard concept for some to embrace. C.S. Lewis says, “God knows quite well how hard we find it to love Him more than anyone or anything else, and He won’t be angry with us as long as we are trying. And He will help us.”  <><

I close with the chorus to the song, “Personal Revolution,” 

“I’m so tired of all these easy solutions,

I can’t stand it, they’re nothing but denial;

I think I need a personal revolution-

How can I expect the heart to sing,

when I don’t let the soul ever feel anything?”   <><

Special thanks to New Direction Website for portions of this article.

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