From the Executive Director’s Heart

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Some Common Roots of Same-Sex Attractions – Part 1

This is the second installment of our series addressing the multi-faceted subject of homosexuality. Contrary to popular belief, homosexuality is not a 20th century development. Though the term was popularized over the past century, the practice has been in existence almost as long as the human race. Biblically speaking, it is only one of many expressions of our fallen, sinful human nature. However, with an increasingly post-Christian world view having predominance in most sectors of our culture, including much of the Church, the absolute Biblical standards of God’s Word are constantly ridiculed, excused or brought into question. Nonetheless, we at Greater Hope ministries remain committed to seeing the unfailing love and power of Jesus Christ set free those who are captive to various forms of sexual and relational bondage, including homosexuality. I am going to make a bold statement - I don’t believe there is any such thing as an ex-gay! Why? Because I don’t believe anyone is born gay to begin with. To understand my reasoning we must again return to the infinite reference point for all of life, the Bible. In Genesis, God makes it very clear that He created only two sexes, male and female. (Genesis 1:26-27) Like it or not, you and I are one gender or the other. Or as Andy Comiskey has said, “we are all latent heterosexuals!” Another basic belief we hold is that any and all sexual relations should only occur within the context of a monogamous, heterosexual marriage covenant. God knew that outside His established, sacred boundaries only pain and confusion would occur.

So why all the gender confusion and debate? Just because one is born male or female, does not necessarily mean they will automatically be attracted to the opposite sex. [Though I am unable to adequately address it in this issue, it is very important to remember the distinction between same-sex desires (attractions) and the expression or lack thereof in homosexual activity (behavior.) Temptation does not have to result in sin.] Since no one has yet conclusively proven with valid empirical evidence that homosexual tendencies are genetic or inborn, there must be some other explanation. Without over-simplifying this complex subject, I intend to briefly touch on one of these. And while not exhaustive in nature, there are some consistent patterns that emerge…

1)   Early Childhood Development :

Like it or not, we are all products of our past. Our purpose here is not to dredge up old memories for the sake of heaping blame on our parents. However, in order to help truly resolve this “condition”, we must first gain some better understanding about its origins. And though our parents don’t determine our ultimate choices, including sexual preference, they do highly influence us for good or evil. Scripture is replete with examples of the inherent, progressive consequences of sin and holiness.  In Exodus 20:5 God reminds us, “You shall not worship them (idols) or serve them; for I, the LORD your God am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate Me, but showing love to a thousand generations of those who love Me and keep my commandments.” Despite this factor of “hereditary chaos (or order),” we are still not off the hook. The cause and effect of our own behavior is illustrated in Galatians 6:7-8, “A  man/woman reaps what he/she sows. The one who sows to please his/her sinful nature, from that nature will reap destruction; (but) the one who sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life.”

Time and again, experience and research have concluded that the most powerful influence upon our gender comes from the relationship we have with our same-sex parent. Andy Comiskey notes, “Through the parent of the same sex, we gain (or do not gain) a needed resource of identification and intimacy that we incorporate as part of our own maleness or femaleness…Constancy and clarity of parental love enables the child to receive heartily from the same-sex parent, resulting in affirmation of ones own gender.” Conversely, according to Dr. Elizabeth Moberly, “breaches in relationship with the same-sex parent can block the lifeline of intimacy and identification which in turn obstructs a child’s secure gender development.” Furthermore, a child often emotionally detaches from or becomes enmeshed with the unhealthy parent. The child may then take a protective, defensive posture vowing to never be like the domineering/controlling or weak/passive parent. Or they may lose parts of their identity due to emotional entanglement with a parent.

In her book “The Broken Image,” Leanne Payne offers some key insights regarding what she calls “cannibal compulsion.” She describes a conversation with one of her counselees: “Do you know anything at all about the habits of cannibals? Do you know why they eat people? I then told him what a missionary once told me: “Cannibals eat only those they admire, and they eat them to get their traits...he was looking at the other (young) man and loving a lost part of himself, a part that he could not recognize and accept.” Our legitimate need for same-sex intimacy and gender integration is thus illegitimately expressed in this man-made, fallen attempt to secure love and wholeness. This results in idolatry and flies in the face of God’s original intent for all to know the freedom of whole, heterosexual relating.

In my several years of counseling and ministering to those desiring freedom from same-sex attractions, invariably I’ve found their initial desire was not sexual, but rather emotional. Michael Saia, in his book, “Counseling the Homosexual,” echoes my observation, “What were you looking for when you had your first homosexual experience? There is one answer I have never heard: “sex.” Each was seeking affection, companionship, communication, identity or security—but never sex.”  He goes on to comment about the false equation of sex and affection. “A child needs the affection of both parents. When a breakdown occurs in this relationship, the child may grow into adulthood with a love deficiency.” For example, “an unmet need for male affection places the male child in an awkward position. Though he has rejected the male image and disassociated himself from it, he still misses the affection he did not receive from his father. This dilemma occurs early in the boy’s life and continues with him through puberty and into adulthood.” So false methods of fulfillment eventually become eroticized to the point that one may conclude their needs for love, identity and self-worth can ultimately be met through sexual encounters. I fully understand that we have real needs and feelings we want to satisfy. However, we sell ourselves short when we selfishly substitute anything or anyone in order to secure what we falsely believe will bring true, inner fulfillment.

But, for the struggler there is hope! His name is Jesus. He longs to access our hidden wounds and bring them into the light. Once exposed, He can begin the healing process and replace the hurt with His rich, fulfilling love. So, regardless of your current state, if you allow Him, God will bring you back to life and raise up the true self Jesus came to redeem. U

In the next issue I will address further aspects of the healing process, plus other factors contributing to same sex-sex attractions. 

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