Testimonies
Secure in the Father's
Love
by Wendy Watros
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I am thankful for two mature Christian parents
who introduced me to a very real relationship with Jesus Christ. They
imparted their faith and other wonderful virtues into my life. Yet,
because of emotionally disconnected relationships with my parents and 12
years of intermittent sexual abuse, I grew up with feelings of
insecurity, mistrust, shame and a deep longing for a mother’s nurturing
love.
My
grandparents, with their limited understanding and capacity to love,
failed to properly love and nurture my mother. My mother in turn, out of
her weakened sense of self and femininity, failed to affirm and
emotionally connect with me.
As a young
girl, in defense against mother’s often harsh and critical ways, I
detached emotionally from her. This left an aching void in me that cried
out for maternal touch and constancy. It left me cut off from receiving
the good of my mother’s feminine strength. In turn, I grew up as a weak
and insecure woman always looking to bond with another woman in futile
efforts to fuse her strength into myself. Starting at age four, I
fantasized that my teacher was my mother and continued this pattern
throughout out my life.
My father’s
insecurity, passivity and aloofness, contributed to my idolizing of
women and fears of relational intimacy with men.
Emotional
dependency and fantasizing were the first ways I learned to “medicate”
my pain. As a ten year old, I added masturbation to my addictive pain
escapes and as tenth grader, alcohol and heterosexual promiscuity. Then
as senior in college, at the height of depression and brokenness, my
nurturing mother search led me into the arms of my high school coach, a
twenty-year experienced lesbian. I continued in a sexual relationship
with this forty-year-old woman off and on for one guilt-filled year.
Through the help of a Christian couple (who’d been helping me since the
start of my struggling high school years), I broke off from the
relationship and was ready for God’s help. This couple influenced me to
enter a program called Youth Challenge, and here my battle for wholeness
began.
As I let God
into my pain, He first removed my desire to get drunk and healed small
pieces of my brokenness. I left the Youth Challenge ministry, more whole
than when I started and with a stronger resolve to run to God when I
hurt. But I was also left with a great deal of remaining sexual
brokenness and the same desire to depend on other women I perceived as
strong, “together”and nurturing.
For six and a
half years, I struggled emotionally. I did not find anyone with whom I
could share my deep struggles. I continued pursuing my relationship with
God, yet had sex a few times with guys I dated and shared unhealthy
emotional attachments with a few women.
After
struggling for so long, I hit another low in my life and was hungry for
more of God. I found out about a small church in the country, where some
precious saints minister to broken people with a powerful anointing of
God’s spirit. After soaking in God’s love for a year and a half, I was
ready to meet the special man God had for me.
It was so like
God to have the same couple who had helped me break from the homosexual
relationship with my coach, introduce me to that man. On our fourth
date, my husband, Jeff, asked me to marry him. Without a doubt, I said,
“Yes!” If Jeff had come into my life two years earlier, I wouldn’t have
been ready for his sweet, tender love.
However, soon
after our marriage, I was surprised and discouraged over romantic and
emotional dependencies that returned for a female colleague. I confessed
my struggle to Jeff and for the first time, told him of my past
homosexual encounter. After his initial shock, he reacted with much
love. I’ll never forget Jeff’s response and will be forever grateful for
it.
By God’s
intervention, at this time in our lives, my husband, a licensed
professional counselor, was working with Katherine Allen, the director
of Sought Out in Virginia Beach (a ministry with similar vision
and purpose as Greater Hope). Jeff was leading groups for men struggling
with sexual addictions and I started meeting with Katherine soon after
my confession. None of the Christian help I had received over the years
enlightened me to the root causes behind my sexual brokenness and gender
insecurities as she did.
Jeff and I
attended the Living Waters thirty-week group together. The
Holy Spirit worked through this relevant material and my times spent
with Katherine to begin the process of freedom from my emotional
dependency addiction. This journey has been long and hard, but most
rewarding. As my wounds became exposed, my homosexual temptations
increased. I often felt like giving up, but Christ kept wooing me away
from the ugly, lesser patterns to a higher, more whole place. The more I
trusted Abba Father into the depths of my pain, the more secure I grew
into who I was created to be.
Today, I
don’t feel the “need” to emotionally depend on another woman. Today, I
am happy with the woman God created me to be and the giftings He placed
inside me. Today, I feel very alive in Christ and love serving Him…and
letting Him serve me! Today, my old attempts to comfort myself pale in
comparison to the way His love satisfies me. Today, I love my husband
more than ever and look forward to our growing intimacy. Praise God for
His faithfulness to me.
The following
insights and choices help keep me on the path of freedom and wholeness.
Ø
Being able to recognize
the feelings I’m experiencing at the time of my temptation to masturbate
(which comes very little now), emotionally depend, work too hard, etc.
and instead go directly to Jesus, letting Him into my pain.
Ø
When facing strong
temptations, I tell my husband and other mature, godly individuals who
provide accountability and prayer for Jeff and me.
Ø
I realized the
importance of asking my mother’s forgiveness for emotionally detaching
from her. She in turn asked my forgiveness. The times I’ve spent openly
sharing and listening with my mother has improved our relationship. (My
mother welcomes honest sharing.)
Ø
I understand the
importance of developing healthy close relationships with female peers
versus just having one friend I idolize and isolate with. The
friendships I share with women from our church enrich my life and point
me to Christ.
3/99
Updated
9/05
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