Testimonies
My Story
by Wendell Esbenshade
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My Story
Thesis: C.S.
Lewis said that “We all have a God-shaped void inside of us.” For almost
half my life I tried and tried to fill that void on my own with things
of the world but to no avail. We all have God-given human needs, but
when we try to fill them ourselves instead of relying on Him to meet
those needs it is sin and is the basis of our brokenness.
I. My Background
I was raised in a strict Christian home. I was the
oldest of three children. It was Christian in the sense that my parents
took us to church every week and to Summer Bible School. Growing up I
don’t really remember seeing Christianity directly affecting my parents’
lives though. I guess we were all just Sunday morning Christians. It was
strict in that my father was a strict disciplinarian. We were often
harshly punished as a result of my father’s wicked temper. Looking back
there was definitely physical as well as verbal and emotional abuse
going on. Because of this I often was on “pins and needles” around him
and learned as a result to internalize and detach from my emotions and
feelings as a defense mechanism. This left me feeling empty and lonely.
I could never be good enough for my dad's high standards or be worthy of
being loved. The problem was that I was building walls to protect
myself. With these walls no one could get in but I also couldn't get
out.
II. The Unintentional Exposure
One Christmas when I was about 10 or 11 I was in my
parents’ bedroom looking for hidden C-mas presents. Instead of finding
presents I found something much more dangerous and life altering. I
found a stash of pornography.
As a young pre-adolescent I didn’t really understand
what it was that I was viewing or the potential damage that could come
from viewing it, but somehow had the sense that it was wrong. Despite
this I was drawn to it and derived a secret and hidden pleasure from it.
It wasn’t long after this exposure that I began to masturbate to it and
quickly found that I could “self-medicate” and provide self-love and
satisfaction when I wasn’t getting it from my parents. My self-defense
walls were built up so the only thing that was getting in was going to
have to come from me and on my terms. God had made me with normal human
needs for love, attention, and affection, but whenever I was feeling
lonely, unloved, neglected or abused I had a way of making myself feel
better outside of His plan for getting those needs met. It was a way for
me to take control of my life and to meet those needs on my own. It made
me feel in charge which was a welcomed change from the physical and
emotional abuse I was receiving from my father. This rapidly turned into
my childhood routine.
This pattern took root and steadily grew in scope as
I grew older and as I internalized things more and more. In my late teen
years I found that I could get the same satisfaction and release not
just from my fantasies and use of porn and masturbation but could get it
with other people by being sexually active. This increased the thrill
factor of the addiction as with each new girlfriend we were more and
more sexually active. We connected on physical levels but not emotional
levels. I had my guard up to prevent that. By now I didn't know how to
meaningfully connect with women. I only viewed them as potential sexual
partners and objects of my fantasy world. The sexual encounters were
simply a way of me meeting my own needs on my own terms without having
to be reliant on God.
In college, my addictions climbed to new levels. I
got involved heavily with drugs and alcohol and turned to strip clubs,
massage parlors, and 900#’s. Upon graduation in 1994 I got my first job
and first apartment and was on my own in the real world. This new found
freedom allowed my addictions to rapidly flourish and spiral out of
control. I weekly was getting drunk, visiting strip clubs, buying porn
magazines, calling 900#’s, visiting massage parlors and even
prostitutes. I couldn't stop.
The problem now was that despite the escalating
levels that I was going to I was left feeling empty and unfulfilled
afterwards. Try as I might I just couldn’t meet those God-given needs on
my own. It took more and more dangerous and taboo scenarios to bring the
anticipated level of excitement, but as a result I would feel more and
more guilty and ashamed afterwards for going to those warped and deviant
levels. I was out of control my addiction was pulling me down deeper and
deeper in to a pit of despair.
II. The Secret Revealed
One day in the spring of 1995 I got a call from my
then girlfriend who is now my wife. She was at my apartment and was all
but in hysterics. She had found my phone bill which was over $400 from
phone sex calls. I panicked. I felt my secret world come crumbling in
around me. I didn’t want anyone to learn how horrible I had become and I
didn’t want to have to deal with the emotional consequences. Yet on the
other hand I had felt so out of control and unable to stop that I was
actually relieved in a way that the secret was exposed. The cycle was
broken. Maybe some how I could now get the help I needed.
I started seeing a Christian counselor and one
evening afterward a particularly good session where I began to get at my
bottled up emotions I was driving in my car and broke down. I began to
cry out to God for help. The burdens of guilt and shame were
overwhelming. I came before him a dirty, broken, empty shell of man. I
had to pull off the road as my sobs and tears blurred my vision. I asked
Him to come in to my life and free me from the chains of addiction that
had bound me for nearly 10 years.
Later that night in my apartment I continued to pray
and ask for forgiveness, for healing, for strength and to free me from
the crushing guilt and shame I carried. I released all that garbage of
my past by laying it at the foot of the cross. Then something happened
that I’ll never forget. I physically felt a wave of warmth and love wash
over me and fill me up. It was all consuming. I felt clean, warm and
tingling all over like on a chilly day getting out of a hot steamy
shower and wrapping up in a soft thick robe.
That night I asked God to come into that void inside
me. He of course lovingly came in and perfectly filled that space. I had
been so alone inside my fortress of self-protection and I had tried to
fill the emptiness with so many things that didn’t fit. That night was
the start of relying on Him to provide ways for my God-given needs to be
met and the beginning of me giving up trying to meet those needs on my
own outside of His plan for my life. I had done it on my own for nearly
half my life and yet the answer to my problems was so simple and right
there in front of me all the time. I simply needed to invite Jesus in to
my life to dismantle the bricks of the wall I erected. He did just
that. He came in and filled the space so perfectly and left me feeling
completed, unconditionally loved and began to reveal His plan for
meeting my needs.
III. Pathway to Recovery
Over the last 10 years or so I’ve still gone through
periods of struggles. It’s all too easy for us to think that we can do
things on our own and meet our needs ourselves. I’ve had my periods of
victory and my slips and falls. In fact, the summer of 2003 found me
beginning down that slippery slope when I began to get involved with
online chatrooms. After my wife came across evidence of this she
insisted that I get involved with some accountability and seek help
through counseling. She informed me that if I didn’t the marriage was
over. It was with this crisis and God’s direction that we were lead to
Greater Hope’s Living Waters class. It was in that class that I learned
that it’s a transforming process of giving up the reigns of control and
that I need to let Jesus in to all the areas of my life. After years of
unsuccessfully trying to do things on my own and fill the void inside
through self-medication I’ve had to work at reprogramming the way that I
do things. I've needed to continue open the different rooms of my heart
to Him. I’m still susceptible and find it all too easy to want to meet
my God-given needs on my own terms.
IV. Conclusion
However, I now have a hope and a Redeemer to walk
with me in this journey I’m on. I’m learning to rely on Him and give up
control and trust the Lord with my needs and all areas of my life. I can
now look to the Lord for His strength and power in my areas of weakness
and know that I don’t have to do it on my own anymore. And if I stumble,
He’s there to pick me up and dust me off and He won’t stop loving me.
His love is unconditional and is overwhelming. I’m not perfect, nor will
I be in human form, but the more areas of my life that I submit to His
Lordship the more transformed I become by His Spirit living within me.
The more this happens the less power addictions have in my life and the
easier it is to not give in to them. I'm so thankful that I allowed God
into my life and am constantly amazed how perfectly he fills that God
shaped void within me and how perfectly meets and provides for all my
needs.
W
Wendell has participated in
both Greater Hope’s Living Waters and
CrossCurrent programs and is
now part of the ministry leadership team.
September
2006
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